ENVY

 Envy - Feeling of discontented or resentful.

You all know MK right? Michael Kors, which happens to be one of the more affordable brands that girls wear nowadays. The company hit a net worth of 1 billion dollars in 2016, so that should give you an idea of much the average female liked the brand back then. For a year I hated the very thought of that brand. Not because it was ugly or that the designer was just out of control or anything you would think of. Sadly to admit but I didn't like the brand simple because after me and my boyfriend broke up after a year of being together he bought a MK watch for his new girlfriend. 

Even thought we weren't together we were still hanging on down some dirt roads and when Christmas time came around he pasted me a watch. I’ll admit that I had no idea who MK was or anything and the watch was completely ugly to me. I asked him who was MK and if she was into big bulky watches. Yes I was being what some would call a hater but what you expect he just pasted me a Christmas gift for my replacement basically that was pricing out online to be more than any single item he has ever bought me. He was looking at me crazy just because I didn't know the name/ brand so I looked it up and much to my surprise the purses were so beautiful. I never even looked into the watches because I was instantly hurt by the fact all these handbags were $400 plus. Here I was sitting in the car with someone that wouldn't even consider buying me something $100 just bought his girlfriend of a week a freaking expensive watch. I mean I was soooo hurt and angry like I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that within a week of being with her he had deemed her worthy of breaking a bill for. What was it that made her better than me? What did she do or how did she make him feel, that I was so much better than me?

I hated that brand after that and didn't like for any of my girls to have anything with that name on it. The brand was a reminder of what I lacked, an anchor to my pain. Every time I would come across it I would be discussed and annoyed. I wanted to be that girl that a guy spent that kind of money on. I wanted to be that girl that a guy went out of his way to buy something special for.

After a year went by I got my hands on that watch again due to the girl breaking up with him and leaving it behind. While driving down the highway at a good 80 mph I threw the watch out the window. Funny thing though is later I found out that the watch was fake and that he didn't even break a $20 on that watch. It wasn't long after I found out the truth that the watch really was fake and that I was I able to admit to myself and everyone else that the Brand had really cute purses. Who knows why none of my girls had MK back then but, they rocking them now!

WRATH (Anger)

Another word for anger!

Being spoiled most my life has feed into my anger in some of the worst ways. Not being able to do what I want soon enough or get what I want soon enough leads to an uncontrollable rage. Some days it can be as simple as a smell that’s sets me off. The higher my standards or expectations the harder it is for me to control myself. Every day is different and every response is as well. Punching walls, smashing glasses, yelling, crying, cussing….It all comes so fast it makes my head want to explode.

To fly off the handle of something so simple never makes me happy. Nothing comes from anger except lashing out and hurtful responses in pointless arguments. I often find myself asking God for forgiveness and the ability to think smarter and calm down. The worst thing is when the calm finally hits and I regret everything. The anger becomes so much it’s almost like having a demon inside you that is trying to set fire to everything in front of you. If my life was a movie you would see my spirit watching my body move and react to things around. Watching and telling myself to calm down as I try desperately to reconnect and take control over my body to get it to stop. All I would need is a second o myself to connect and gain control again. Some days it takes longer than other days to stop.

I’ve hurt my spouse more times than I can remember by picking just the most heartless thing to say. I hurt him and put him down when he himself is hurting or already having a hard time. My anger doesn’t allow me to care about what he has going on or how he even feels at the time. All I can do is push him away, digging deeper and deeper to make him reconsider his choice to be with me

Gods plan was never for his children to be so heartless so cruel yet that is what anger brings to the table. If I told you that I’m aware of this and the problems it causes all while saying id stop and never get angry again, well…. That would be a sin all of its own.

Deadlest Sins

I've moved so much as a child that I've been in and out of so many different churches. Recently, my boyfriend's father told us, everything that we were taught as children are faded off parts of the real story of how the bible came to be. I'll admit, that much is a given seeing how the Bible is what, a hundreds of years old. Sadly, I'm scared to say what that really means is, I don’t know anything. The most I can do is stick to what I do know because all God’s children sin. Even though we sin, that doesn’t knock us off balance on the scale of good and evil, or right and wrong. It’s in our human nature. Some more than others, but I have to say that I have experienced some of the worst of what's considered to be the seven deadliest sins.........

1. Lust - Strong sexual desire.

2. Envy - Feeling of discontented or resentful.

3. Vanity (Pride) - Feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements.

4. Wrath (Anger) - Strong feelings of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.

5.  Sloth - Reluctance to work or make an effort, laziness.

6. Gluttony- habitual greed or excess in eating.

7. Avarice (Greed) - Intense and selfish desire for something (wealth, power, or food).

Seven deadly sins. (2017, October 23). Retrieved October 24, 2017, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins

Is Curiosity a Disease?

  An author by the name William Eamon wrote an  article called, "The Disease Called Curiosity". If you look above, or how you simply manage to find my blog in the first place, you will notice that Curiosity is kind of what it's all about and of course a few confessions here and there.
       
       The human mind is such an amazing thing and human topics/ opinions just amaze me. I seen it and just had to read the whole article on well.... my mind. l.o.l I'll admit that I had to reread the article a few time to understand where he was going with the topic. Mr. Eamon explains that a man named Augustine says, "Curiosity is a sin in 3 different ways lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and ambition of the world. (Eamon 2010)" Just from reading that far I'm like ok its official we all suffer from the disease. You see your spouse or someone you want as a spouse and the idea to be near/ touch them crosses your mind. The fact you cant take your mind off of something you find beautiful. The fact you have to know more about a topic or study a topic. The list could go on for days on ways a person could fall into those three categories. So I had to know what he was talking about. Could it be really possible that so many inventors, reporters, and authors all have a disease simply because they want to know more?

   "Without curiosity, there can be no scientific discovery, and without discovery, there can be no knowledge. (Eamon 2010)" Over time we as people evolve and our ways of thinking change for the better. It's safe to say that the author simply wanted to express the history of "Curiosity" rather than actually believing that someone like me has a disease and needs medication to check my want for more knowledge.

    After reading the article I wanted to know more about what this authors style of writing and his interest and as it turns out I was correct. Most of the articles and books I came across were all on how the older days functioned. Something about the early modern days of Europe, Renaissance Italy held his interest long enough to write a few books on the topic.







The Disease Called Curiosity | The Official Website of Author William Eamon. (n.d.). Retrieved November 07, 2017, from http://williameamon.com/?p=185

California King

Most people think or better yet listen to music as a way of expressing themselves. If  you had to listen to the music that someone likes or even plays over and over there is a message in it. I've slept on a California king bed before and it takes up the whole room leaving enough room for a dresser. If you have ever seen this bed you would know that four adults could sleep side by side with no problem. Rihanna choose to make a song using this bed as a mental image as to how far apart her and her spouse have grown apart.
Unfortunately this song happens to be the song that my boyfriend chooses to play over and over on his guitar hero. If you are in a relationship this is not a song you want your spouse to play over and over when their drunk. He tells me that depending on how our night has gone determines how he feels about the song. Other night he just likes her voice and the melody. Just to give you a idea of how often the song is played, his current score on guitar hero live is 107,001. I refuse to believe that I was being annoying that night, he had three too many shots and replayed the song 11 times. If you think I'm kidding sorry to say I'm not, Hell I counted! In that moment I chose to tell myself that he wanted a easier song to master. Crazy thing tho is after playing a song more than two times the colors start to blend and one hand stops moving causing me to miss keys.
The song to my boyfriend however is his way of telling me that we don't click like we use to. He loves me but I don't understand him or what he was trying to say. A solution to this is to let him explain to me what he meant or even better take the guitar and play a different song myself lol.  A relationship is not easy, it takes time (a lot) and understanding. The music that a person listens to explains so much. Either the music explains how they currently feel or a fantasy world they wish they could disappear too.
Lets be honest I'm a work in progress when it comes to trying to understand better.

-Confession

GLUTTONY

Because of you

Because of you I have found love when all I did was hate....
Because of you I am able to see the things that I was blind to....
Because of you I was able to grow up at a time when all I wanted was to be a child...
Because of you I know there is a calm to my storm...
Because of you I know working hard pays off.

I love you and I wanted to say thank you for sticking by me even when I lose my mind. I slip away and feel so lost at times. It's nice to be able to roll over and find you at my side. I gave you hell and I know I still do ,and I'm sorry sometimes I get overwhelmed with life and forget to breath. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry I'm mean to you, I'm sorry that I snap on what appears to be nothing. Thank you honey-bunny, my baby, my love, my pooter!!!

Ask Me Again

The truth is I don't know and I don't think I ever have. It's a big mixture of things that kinda just hit you all at once. It's an anchor that holds you in one place, a warm feeling that takes over your whole body, a goofy look you just can't whip off your face.
Being with you became the best part of my day. You have always been the last person on my mind and the first person on my mind. It's almost scary ,but I'd do anything for you, making sure your ok, and what you need became a priority. I want everyone to know how much I love and can't breath without you. Your flaws aren't imperfections yet things that made you human. Do I dare bring up the fact that I've been dreaming for years about our daughter (Lilly) and watching you two swim while I rock our other child. You became my best friend and I became a smarter, better person because of you. On our worst days I couldn't stomach the idea of losing you. Ask Me again why I love you, ask me again why I'm with you, ask me again... on a different day, on another hour I'd tell you something different or something even new. So Ask Me!

Scramble

Pen to paper, how many times I've wanted to get lost in the lines. Endless amount of words come to mind, so many that I become suffocated and trapped in my own thoughts and emotions. Most days I want to catch ghost, not an act of suicide but to simply disappear out of everyones lives. It's not like it would be a loss on their end. No one keeps in contact with me anyway. If it weren't for me bugging them my phone wouldn't even ring.
You see when you work for a company you must become flawless and keep up with the updates/changes or you become out dated and slow. You simply are a piece in their machine that operates their whole store. Just like any other piece tho you can be replaced. The thing about being flawless in a company tho is the fact you start to loss yourself.
Hmmm my pen hasn't stopped moving but I cant find the words to make every other word to start with matter. The funny thing is thats how thoughts are. One moment you think about this and that in hopes to make sense of a event in your life or a question. In the end its all just a scramble.

Girlfriend

Quick someone grab a freaking dictionary because I have no idea what the hell a girlfriend is or how to be one! So these two people have a baby and they attempt to teach this baby about life, have morals, goals, standard. " You are never to good for something, they say. Sky is the limit, if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything, they say." My dad spent my whole life couching me to be the best person I can be all so in the end I can get that nice, fancy ring guys spend thousands on.
" No man will marry a whore, You must keep a clean house, you must cook, make money but not to much money, not to much sassy, no man wants to argue, he would say."  That's all fine but no one has ever told me how to be a girlfriend first. If you think the same rules apply well let me be the first to tell you that you are wrong. That's the simple shit that people just do on their own. It takes so much more or does it.

-Curiosity

Beauty

Water birth, lord so many words. I just watched a birth clip that was edited to were the video was only 5 mins long, but I can tell they were in that tub for hours. The cutest thing about the whole thing is that the baby daddy sat with the mother the whole time. rubbing her back, chest, stomach. Pretty much just being there for her in everyway that she could need in that moment. I sit and think where do you find men like that? Now a days the couples that I see together that are actually loyal are ones that grew up together.
I guess you can tell that it wasn't just the birth that I find beautiful but the family and moment as a whole. I see child having babies with people they only been with for months. Teenagers getting pregnant and having no plan for the future or baby daddies leaving them because they are to young themselves to deal with the hard task of parenting at such a young age.
I long for that moment where I have a nice house and little mini me running around. One can only hope that I have a guy standing at my side just like the lady in the video.

Empire

Can we build an Empire together please!?!
Like can I please have someone that says fuck the BS... you crazy- Im crazy, You trip-I trip, but no matter what I got you like you got me. Let me tell you my level of loyalty, respect and will i could have for that person is unreal. Whats so wrong with wanting to be a little old school although its 2016. Im 23 and live in a world were no man or woman respects each other enough to be with each other. Like seriously help me help you. A Yang to this Yin, Joker to this screwed up Harley, Clyde to this wild Bonnie. How are people supposed to get anywhere in a world were it takes two incomes to survive? Pick a house, you dont like the windows lets change them, You don't like how small the driveway is, ok fine lets expand it. You bored of your car ok fine lets get another one. If i don't like something ill change it, if its broke ill fix it, but I want you. I want you to see the imagine that I see. By "you" i simply mean a man that wants to finally get his shit right after getting it wrong with so many others for so long.  Can I be your strength on your weakest day, your happiness in you worst hour?
Lets build a life from the ground up.

Time loop

What causes the pull to be so strong? Why is it called history if we are doing it and will continue doing it? Well they say its because history repeats itself. Its to the point what we have known is what we now know and will always know. Basically it comes down to simply being comfortable with someone. Is love even an option anymore?
A close friend tells me that although her ex has cheated on her with the girl he is now with she still sleeps with him. The crazy thing is he was doing that with his first babymama. She tells me that she is ready to build a family but is stuck on him. We are so smart yet so dumb for our own goods. Damaged and in the loop they call "history". So I ask again why is the pull so strong? I blame love songs, poems,and movies for filling our heads with this happy ever after BS. We sit around hoping for a different outcome although we keep doing the same thing.
                     A time loop

Outside looking In

Have you ever seen something slowly becoming corrupted??? I mean I have. As I stand here on the outside fully aware of the drama that goes on in a company that I don't even work for... The sad thing is I watched the employee work his ass of to get to the top only to let the power go straight to his head. I mean I guess it is true what they say, "some people aren't meant to have it". Ok so let me get to the details of the story..... It's simple really the boss I'll name him "Cookie monster" and the crew "Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts". Are you starting to see where this story is going??? I think you do and if you don't... well let me explain it for you. Girl scouts sell cookies (their bodies) and boy scouts handle the hardware (their bodies), the Cookie monster himself picks from a plate of  Girl scouts. It's almost like a buffet table to be honest. The rules are simple:

1.  If you hang out, you can not repeat what happened the night of.
2. If you choose to drink and can't hold your liquor, you are still expected to work your shift the following day.
3. If you stay up too late causing you to get less than 8 hours of sleep, you are still entitled to work you shift the following day or current day.
4. Once you have crossed the line there is no going back and rules 1-3 must be followed.

As the Cookie Monster starts to bring in more and more employees to hang out the level of strictness sets in and favoritism begins. This then cause these crew members to become cocky, riding the clock, insubordination, laziness and schedule changes. The Girl scouts each know about each other and the rules they must follow, which causes competition in areas irrelevant to the job. The girls can't get along or complete simple task because they are all young minded and secretly wishing they are the only one with the Cookie monsters attention. I guess I can't really call them young minded because really they age between 17-23, while the Cookie monster is 31 but thinks he is still 26. My curiosity starts to kick in as I wonder, when does the Cookie Monster become bored and grow tired of the game he plays? Will he grow tired of the game? At what point will the personal drama become to much for the business itself?

Trapped

I guess you can say I did it to myself.....
I fell in love with a guy at 20 years old, after a year and 2 months I picked up Justin was cheating on me. I wish I could say it took me 3 months to finally prove it, but the truth is I didn't want to prove it. All the signs were there, the late night calls, hidden text, random arguments that had no purpose, coming home later and later. He was unhappy and seeking happiness in one of his co-workers, the thing is I wasn't ready to let go. He went from coming home at 1am to coming home at 4am. I don't really recall what made me go to his job after work but I did. He had claimed to be counting inventory only when I arrived to the store it was shutdown with all the lights off. His car was in the lot still so I waited it out. Two hours later he came walking around the corner and I hear car tires burn out in the distance. I packed all my things and left his house that same night. I wish I could say the story ends here but sadly it doesn't. Love doesn't just end because you say so. The next couple days I spent the night with him everyday as he told me Ashley was begging to get in a relationship with him. I laughed to myself because he has issues with disloyalty yet he was starting a relationship off disloyalty. He got with her after that.... To speed the story up I'm 23 now and Justin and Ashley lasted a year and two months then he cheated on her with me. He claims he only cheats when he is unhappy. Some will say I'm not right for what I did and I'll agree but the thing is I don't feel bad for doing it all. I call this Trapped because I am. I fell in love with a guy that knows me so well and knows what to say to pull me in closer. Knowing he isn't any good knowing that I should stay away, I simple can't. I mean I just feel stuck..... Justin is my best friend and family to me. I have become stronger this past week to the point I FRIEND-ZONED him. L.O.L
Lets be honest though when he calls I'll answer no matter the time..... love comes in many forms but I simply call it....
                                                                    TRAPPED

tear

Yesterday I got back from my vacation only to find out that my neighbor mixes food and antifreeze in a tray so that my dogs will die. My dad claims that this is the oldest trick in the book. So far four dogs have died and there is nothing the cops will do about it.

Trusted

I was once told "do not tell a friend what u would not tell an enemy" the fact that I didn't not listen hurt me in the end. A girl I call my bestfriend got mad over hear say and slammed everything I've ever told her in my face. The thought of it hurts and my trust has been broken.