Another word for anger!
Being
spoiled most my life has feed into my anger in some of the worst ways. Not
being able to do what I want soon enough or get what I want soon enough leads to
an uncontrollable rage. Some days it can be as simple as a smell that’s sets me
off. The higher my standards or expectations the harder it is for me to control
myself. Every day is different and every response is as well. Punching walls,
smashing glasses, yelling, crying, cussing….It all comes so fast it makes my
head want to explode.
To
fly off the handle of something so simple never makes me happy. Nothing comes
from anger except lashing out and hurtful responses in pointless arguments. I
often find myself asking God for forgiveness and the ability to think smarter
and calm down. The worst thing is when the calm finally hits and I regret everything.
The anger becomes so much it’s almost like having a demon inside you that is
trying to set fire to everything in front of you. If my life was a movie you
would see my spirit watching my body move and react to things around. Watching
and telling myself to calm down as I try desperately to reconnect and take
control over my body to get it to stop. All I would need is a second o myself
to connect and gain control again. Some days it takes longer than other days to
stop.
I’ve
hurt my spouse more times than I can remember by picking just the most
heartless thing to say. I hurt him and put him down when he himself is hurting
or already having a hard time. My anger doesn’t allow me to care about what he
has going on or how he even feels at the time. All I can do is push him away,
digging deeper and deeper to make him reconsider his choice to be with me
Gods
plan was never for his children to be so heartless so cruel yet that is what
anger brings to the table. If I told you that I’m aware of this and the
problems it causes all while saying id stop and never get angry again, well….
That would be a sin all of its own.
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