Scramble

Pen to paper, how many times I've wanted to get lost in the lines. Endless amount of words come to mind, so many that I become suffocated and trapped in my own thoughts and emotions. Most days I want to catch ghost, not an act of suicide but to simply disappear out of everyones lives. It's not like it would be a loss on their end. No one keeps in contact with me anyway. If it weren't for me bugging them my phone wouldn't even ring.
You see when you work for a company you must become flawless and keep up with the updates/changes or you become out dated and slow. You simply are a piece in their machine that operates their whole store. Just like any other piece tho you can be replaced. The thing about being flawless in a company tho is the fact you start to loss yourself.
Hmmm my pen hasn't stopped moving but I cant find the words to make every other word to start with matter. The funny thing is thats how thoughts are. One moment you think about this and that in hopes to make sense of a event in your life or a question. In the end its all just a scramble.

Girlfriend

Quick someone grab a freaking dictionary because I have no idea what the hell a girlfriend is or how to be one! So these two people have a baby and they attempt to teach this baby about life, have morals, goals, standard. " You are never to good for something, they say. Sky is the limit, if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything, they say." My dad spent my whole life couching me to be the best person I can be all so in the end I can get that nice, fancy ring guys spend thousands on.
" No man will marry a whore, You must keep a clean house, you must cook, make money but not to much money, not to much sassy, no man wants to argue, he would say."  That's all fine but no one has ever told me how to be a girlfriend first. If you think the same rules apply well let me be the first to tell you that you are wrong. That's the simple shit that people just do on their own. It takes so much more or does it.

-Curiosity

Beauty

Water birth, lord so many words. I just watched a birth clip that was edited to were the video was only 5 mins long, but I can tell they were in that tub for hours. The cutest thing about the whole thing is that the baby daddy sat with the mother the whole time. rubbing her back, chest, stomach. Pretty much just being there for her in everyway that she could need in that moment. I sit and think where do you find men like that? Now a days the couples that I see together that are actually loyal are ones that grew up together.
I guess you can tell that it wasn't just the birth that I find beautiful but the family and moment as a whole. I see child having babies with people they only been with for months. Teenagers getting pregnant and having no plan for the future or baby daddies leaving them because they are to young themselves to deal with the hard task of parenting at such a young age.
I long for that moment where I have a nice house and little mini me running around. One can only hope that I have a guy standing at my side just like the lady in the video.

Empire

Can we build an Empire together please!?!
Like can I please have someone that says fuck the BS... you crazy- Im crazy, You trip-I trip, but no matter what I got you like you got me. Let me tell you my level of loyalty, respect and will i could have for that person is unreal. Whats so wrong with wanting to be a little old school although its 2016. Im 23 and live in a world were no man or woman respects each other enough to be with each other. Like seriously help me help you. A Yang to this Yin, Joker to this screwed up Harley, Clyde to this wild Bonnie. How are people supposed to get anywhere in a world were it takes two incomes to survive? Pick a house, you dont like the windows lets change them, You don't like how small the driveway is, ok fine lets expand it. You bored of your car ok fine lets get another one. If i don't like something ill change it, if its broke ill fix it, but I want you. I want you to see the imagine that I see. By "you" i simply mean a man that wants to finally get his shit right after getting it wrong with so many others for so long.  Can I be your strength on your weakest day, your happiness in you worst hour?
Lets build a life from the ground up.

Time loop

What causes the pull to be so strong? Why is it called history if we are doing it and will continue doing it? Well they say its because history repeats itself. Its to the point what we have known is what we now know and will always know. Basically it comes down to simply being comfortable with someone. Is love even an option anymore?
A close friend tells me that although her ex has cheated on her with the girl he is now with she still sleeps with him. The crazy thing is he was doing that with his first babymama. She tells me that she is ready to build a family but is stuck on him. We are so smart yet so dumb for our own goods. Damaged and in the loop they call "history". So I ask again why is the pull so strong? I blame love songs, poems,and movies for filling our heads with this happy ever after BS. We sit around hoping for a different outcome although we keep doing the same thing.
                     A time loop

Outside looking In

Have you ever seen something slowly becoming corrupted??? I mean I have. As I stand here on the outside fully aware of the drama that goes on in a company that I don't even work for... The sad thing is I watched the employee work his ass of to get to the top only to let the power go straight to his head. I mean I guess it is true what they say, "some people aren't meant to have it". Ok so let me get to the details of the story..... It's simple really the boss I'll name him "Cookie monster" and the crew "Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts". Are you starting to see where this story is going??? I think you do and if you don't... well let me explain it for you. Girl scouts sell cookies (their bodies) and boy scouts handle the hardware (their bodies), the Cookie monster himself picks from a plate of  Girl scouts. It's almost like a buffet table to be honest. The rules are simple:

1.  If you hang out, you can not repeat what happened the night of.
2. If you choose to drink and can't hold your liquor, you are still expected to work your shift the following day.
3. If you stay up too late causing you to get less than 8 hours of sleep, you are still entitled to work you shift the following day or current day.
4. Once you have crossed the line there is no going back and rules 1-3 must be followed.

As the Cookie Monster starts to bring in more and more employees to hang out the level of strictness sets in and favoritism begins. This then cause these crew members to become cocky, riding the clock, insubordination, laziness and schedule changes. The Girl scouts each know about each other and the rules they must follow, which causes competition in areas irrelevant to the job. The girls can't get along or complete simple task because they are all young minded and secretly wishing they are the only one with the Cookie monsters attention. I guess I can't really call them young minded because really they age between 17-23, while the Cookie monster is 31 but thinks he is still 26. My curiosity starts to kick in as I wonder, when does the Cookie Monster become bored and grow tired of the game he plays? Will he grow tired of the game? At what point will the personal drama become to much for the business itself?

Trapped

I guess you can say I did it to myself.....
I fell in love with a guy at 20 years old, after a year and 2 months I picked up Justin was cheating on me. I wish I could say it took me 3 months to finally prove it, but the truth is I didn't want to prove it. All the signs were there, the late night calls, hidden text, random arguments that had no purpose, coming home later and later. He was unhappy and seeking happiness in one of his co-workers, the thing is I wasn't ready to let go. He went from coming home at 1am to coming home at 4am. I don't really recall what made me go to his job after work but I did. He had claimed to be counting inventory only when I arrived to the store it was shutdown with all the lights off. His car was in the lot still so I waited it out. Two hours later he came walking around the corner and I hear car tires burn out in the distance. I packed all my things and left his house that same night. I wish I could say the story ends here but sadly it doesn't. Love doesn't just end because you say so. The next couple days I spent the night with him everyday as he told me Ashley was begging to get in a relationship with him. I laughed to myself because he has issues with disloyalty yet he was starting a relationship off disloyalty. He got with her after that.... To speed the story up I'm 23 now and Justin and Ashley lasted a year and two months then he cheated on her with me. He claims he only cheats when he is unhappy. Some will say I'm not right for what I did and I'll agree but the thing is I don't feel bad for doing it all. I call this Trapped because I am. I fell in love with a guy that knows me so well and knows what to say to pull me in closer. Knowing he isn't any good knowing that I should stay away, I simple can't. I mean I just feel stuck..... Justin is my best friend and family to me. I have become stronger this past week to the point I FRIEND-ZONED him. L.O.L
Lets be honest though when he calls I'll answer no matter the time..... love comes in many forms but I simply call it....
                                                                    TRAPPED